JC's Guide to the Final Frontier
JC's Guide to the Final Frontier
In the style of Michael Jan Friedman and Robert Greenbergers' Q's Guide to the Continuum, some glib, blunt and possibly politically incorrect musings on the final frontier:
Gul Dukat
Gul Dukat went from a self-aggrandizing narcissist and opportunist (and serial womanizer) to self-important egotist and delusional madman. Sounds kind of like a certain 2020's U.S. President...
Some Ridiculous Interstellar Fails
In 2371 the crew of USS Voyager experimented with using a new form of dilithium to achieve transwarp velocity. The test flight of a modified shuttlecraft turned Tom Paris into a salamander. Paris kidnapped Captain Janeway and took her to transwarp. And they had salamander babies on a planet. Yes, this was an episode. The crew left the salamander babies on the planet-probably for the best (with all the fucked up implications bringing them along would have).
It's almost as bad as that time Christopher Pike promoted one of his science officers and gave her her own command, only for her to be a total bitch to one of her scientists and lose her ship to a Tribble infestation. Oops.
How Many Rikers?
In 2361 a transporter accident created a duplicate Willian T. Riker on Nervala IV. The duplicate wouldn't be discovered until 2369, after which there would be two William Rikers in Starfleet (the duplicate took the name Thomas). Question: if they recreated the accident and created another duplicate, would that one be the third Reich-er?
Dilithium Crystals and Space 'Shrooms
In the distant future year of 3189 the crew of the time displaced USS Discovery from the 23rd century sought to solve the mystery of The Burn, the galactic cataclysm that destroyed all dilithium crystals throughout the Milky Way and with it uncounted thousands of ships 120 years earlier. After much investigation the Discovery crew discovered (no pun intended) the cause: the emotional outburst of a Kelpian child. Keep in mind this is the same ship that travels the galaxy on a mycelial network using special space mushrooms. Methinks this shows writers were sampling some of those mushrooms...
Tsunkatse
The Norcadians in the Delta Quadrant enjoy a barbaric sport called Tsunkatse, not dissimilar to 21st century Earth's WWE Wrestling. In 2376 USS Voyagers Seven of Nine was abducted and forced to fight a Pendari champion who bore a striking resemblance to Earth actor/wrestler Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. I smell a trans-galactic, cross century marketing stunt. Anything for ratings I guess.
Mirror Mirror on the Wall
Mirror Universe counterparts we've never seen:
Data: is Lore.
Harry Kim: became a Terran Resistance captain in 1 year.
Erica Ortegas: is straight.
Geordi LaForge: has real eyes and is good with women
Promotional Problems
And the award for the most promotions for one character in a series goes to... Michael Burnham. From Commander and first officer on the USS Shenzhou, to court martialed and stripped of rank for mutiny and starting a war with the Klingons, to no rank specialist on USS Discovery, to having her rank reinstated after helping end the war and becoming second officer and chief science officer, to becoming first officer the following year (or 930 years later, depending on your perspective), to getting demoted back to second officer for insubordination, to being promoted to captain of USS Discovery after Captain Saru left to return to his homeworld, become an ambassador and knock boots with the president of Ni'Var. A few decades later Burnham became an Admiral.
However...
The award for most unrealistic promotion goes to...James T. Kirk. In one quantum reality, colloquially referred to as the Kelvin Timeline, James T. Kirk was promoted directly from cadet facing disciplinary action and possibly expulsion for cheating on the no-win Kobayashi Maru scenario to Captain of the USS Enterprise. That pop you just heard was the credibility snapping from being stretched too far.
An Ultra-Massive Plot Hole
On its very first mission, the USS Enterprise A, Kirk's second Enterprise, was commandeered by a Vulcan zealot and traveled all the way to the planet Sha Ka Ree in the Great Barrier at the center of the Galaxy. It's doubtful that Sha Ka Ree is truly at the center of the Milky Way. One: the distance from the Federation to the galactic center is vast. It would take about 30 years to travel that distance at maximum warp, not the few hours it apparently took. Two: the center of our Galaxy, as is well-known, is the home of a very large black hole, something that the good ship Enterprise would never be able to survive. It's more likely they passed through a giant plot hole instead.
Genocide-When it Suits
Starfleet and the Federation have a weird relationship with genocide. Starfleet, the organization built on peace decided to put mirror universe Philippa Georgiou aka 'Space Hitler' in command of the mushroom powered USS Discovery and spore jump the pizza wheel of a ship into the caverns of the Klingon homeworld to plant a bomb and destroy the planet. Then 'Space Hitler' gives the Klingon leader the detonator. This seems like a bad idea.
During the Dominion War the morally superior United Federation of Planets had their super secret Section 31 capture Founders, experiment on them, torture them, and use the information they learned to create a virus to eradicate them. Surely that won't come back to haunt them later-oh wait...
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